Last night, I watched the Ugly Truth with my parents.  It’s a quite enjoyable, albeit all too predictable, movie.  My only problem with it is that my mom and step dad keep telling me that I’m just like Katherine Heigl’s character, Abby.  Though I thought Katherine Heigl did a great job, I felt that the way she played the role was over the top which I’m sure is what the director wanted.  In my opinion, I feel like Abby and I share some similar qualities but I’m not as extreme as her character is.  But we do both have a quirky little dance that we like to do when we get excited!

I like structure.  I like being in control.  I’m a health nut.  I tend to go more for comfort when it comes to clothing.  I have a list of certain traits an “ideal man” would have but I’m not expecting someone to fulfill all of them because if they do, chances are they are not being true to themselves (therefore not worth it in the long run).  So yes, I’m a little like her.  But to go as far as to say that Heigl’s character is me is a little daunting.  I swear I’m not that crazy.  And I hate cats so there’s a dividing factor right there.  I hate being minimized into a stereotype and my own family is doing it.  Even my brother’s girlfriend said I was just like her, and for the fifth time this week, I wanted to tear her head off.

There was something one of the writers of the movie said that struck home with me.  “Find someone you can tolerate.”  See? That’s something I can relate too!  Seeing as I have PADHD, that’s a pretty damn good goal to achieve when it comes to finding love seeing as my tolerance threshold for most people is really low. 

Funnily enough though, I’m trying to do what Abby does– step more out of my comfort zone. 

Over the weekend, I met someone who said, “If this life is all we have, why not make the most of it?”  I know this saying has been said one too many times (in some variation), but for some reason it hit home a little more this weekend.  I’m fucking 21 years old!  These should be the years of my life!  I should be having fun!  Granted, college isn’t that great but I can still try and make it a memorable experience.  And that would involve me breaking out of my boring habitual patterns.  A little scary, but I’m taking it one step at a time.  Just like Abby!  I’m still being myself though, just letting more of it show… like the stuff I’m afraid people will take the wrong way or frown on me (like wearing more revealing clothing which my family doesn’t exactly approve of). 

Ugh, that’s a problem with being a girl.  We try to please everyone but ourselves.  I’m trying to make myself more of a priority and not caring about the shit everyone else thinks about my choices. 

Here’s to pealing back the layers and exposing myself for what I am!  Apparently, my family doesn’t even know me.

Do be yourself.  Please.  There’s nothing I hate more than liars or people who change to please someone.  It’s pretentious and ridiculous to deal with if I find out about it!  If you belch normally after a good meal, let it out!  I’m one of the girls who’ll laugh it off with you!  If you get scared easily, don’t worry!  You can grab onto me and I’ll not complain.

Don’t touch me unless I touch you.  Personal space is very valuable to me and the faster you rush your hands into it, the faster I’ll shut you down.

Do text/call me randomly.  It’s nice to know you’re thinking about me. 

Don’t text me too much too often.  My blackberry is a kick-ass piece of shit and gets every single one of your messages.  Just because I don’t respond doesn’t not mean you should send a repeat message or ask why I’m not responding.  I have a life and I’m easily distracted. I try to get back to texts within a couple days if I forget.  But sometimes I can go a week without getting back to someone’s phone call.  Sorry but it’s the truth… I’m trying to work on it though.  However, the more you text me and you don’t get a response within the week, there’s likely a reason.  I get sick of people physically, socially and text-ically really, really fast. 

Do have an open mind.  This is probably the most important!  There are so many different kinds of people, cultures, and opinions in the world.  I’m not asking that you accept and/or agree with me on such topics, but I ask that you respect them.  Don’t dis please.  I’ll return the favor.

(which leads me to…)
Don’t dominate the conversation.  Yes, I want to learn more about you but there has to be some sort of balance, man! 

Do let me open the door every once in a while.  Now, I know what you’re thinking (if you’re a gentleman that is)– “But the guy is always supposed to open the door! It’s what’s right!”  I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the gesture, because I do and I think it’s very romantic (if we are on a date).  Though sometimes, I get a bit competitive and like to wear the pants.  So let me!  It makes me feel happy to see you look up in surprise and say “thank you.”  Also, let me pay sometimes!  It doesn’t make you any less of a man and it gives me peace of mind that you’re not going into debt. 

Don’t call me woman, chick, bitch, etc… I find those terms very undermining and you’ll find yourself bitch slapped so quickly your head would spin.

Do say or call me beautiful.  Pretty simple.  Every girl loves this!

Don’t throw pity parties.  I like confidence in a guy; I wouldn’t even mind a little cockiness because it shows you’re comfortable with yourself.  If you’re comfortable with you then I will be too!  Plus, I don’t want to hear all your sap stories and drama.  I have enough of my own that I’d happily not share with you.

Do have a life!  Sure I spend much of my day thinking about guys, but I still do other things and interests!  I can’t spend every moment with you and I wouldn’t want to.  I’d get sick of you and if I’m really into you, I’d hate myself for it.  Hang with the guys, watch the football game, go to the gym, play WOW, whatever… just be interested in something.  No, I changed my mind… Be passionate about something. It’ll make you more interesting!

Don’t do baby or “gay” talk.  Period.  Nothing–I repeat, nothing–turns me off faster.  You might as well grab your pants and leave if I ever hear it as you’re taking me to bed.

Do give me time between dates.  Like I said, I need my space.

Don’t put pressure on committing.  It may be running through the back of my mind, but if you bring it up, it will scare the shit out of me.  I’ve had trust and commitment issues for years.  Once I feel I can trust you and we are heading that direction after a good amount of time, we’ll have to let the chips fall where they may!  Until then, I like my opportunities. 

Wow… didn’t expect it to be that long but I think you get the gist.  I am picky.  Deal with it.

If you have anything you’d like to add (girls), I’d be happy to see what others like and don’t like.  As for you guys who happened to stumble across this, what do you think?

Because of the chill, the young intern employed the use of a small space heater underneath her desk.  With her shoes laying splayed across the floor beneath her, she sat cross-legged on her spindly chair just waiting for the day to be over.  Mulling over network device configurations and compiling the lists of articles with potential to be used in the monthly security newsletter, she yawned widely whilst listening to her current playlist that she spends way too much time putting together. 

Across the way from her are two vacant desks.  To her left, in front of her on the right, and to her right, sat co-workers.  Silently typing away on their computers, it was not uncommon to hear a throat-clearing cough among them periodically. 

Next to her keyboard, her cell phone laid.  It hadn’t vibrated all day, though she would have greatly welcomed a friendly text from one of her friends who forget that she works a nine-to-five job, in their earnest to hang out with someone. 

Out of the silence, a piercingly loud squealing tune reverberates around the office.  The young intern, with her symphonic metal jam playing in her ear buds, jumped up in her seat, her heart racing fast.  She had to pause the music to find out where the sound was coming from.  It was one of those tunes that you would hear in a haunted house… A melody with eerie overtones and an overuse of dissonant chords as well as minor interval changes. 

Two desks down from her right, the eerie tune ceased when the co-worker flipped open his phone and said, “This is Darren.”

*** name has been changed ***

—

Now imagine this happening a couple times every day Monday through Friday!  Has he never heard of the vibrate option on his phone?  It’s like he doesn’t even change the volume of the ringtone either… It’s always piercingly loud.  No matter what, that ringer always makes me jump even if my headphones are on full blast (which I don’t like doing in any case)!  Not only does it scare the living shit out of me, but it is now getting to the point where the ring tone just drives me crazy.

Please!  Turn it down, put it on silent/vibrate, or get a new ringtone that doesn’t scare the be-Jesus out of every living organism in the building!

Last night, a guy that I completely see as a friend (let’s call him BR) was being quite frank in asking me to have dinner with him.  Truth be told, he’s a great kisser and we have been on dates before.  But I just don’t want to!  Simply, I didn’t respond to his text about coming to roast smores and having a home cooked Italian meal at his place.  Is this wrong of me?  Would it be better if I put him out of his misery and just said “I don’t like you that way, so I don’t want to see you”?

For his birthday in March, I took BR out to a cute little Italian restaurant which I paid for because I forgot his birthday and felt it was necessary.  Unfortunately, we went back to my place and we kissed… a lot.  Ever since, my entire being is repelling any idea of seeing or hanging out with him. 

What makes it hard is that a few weeks ago I had told him that I love hanging out with him, which I do–as a friend!  But after that last “adventure” as he likes to call them, I need time away from him.  How much time? I haven’t a clue but apparently two months isn’t enough seeing as I’m still not keen on the idea.  Is this bitchy of me?  Yes, a part of me feels horrible but why do something you don’t want to do?  Quite frankly, I’d rather spend the evening on my ass watching Grey’s Anatomy or reading at this point.  Maybe I’d go on a walk.  At any rate, those make me a little more pleasing to be around. 

But that still doesn’t change my mind in not wanting to hang out with these certain people who tell me quite frequently that they miss me or want to chill.  Thing is, I don’t miss them and don’t want to be in their presence.  In fact, just receiving text messages too often from them irks me.  So what am I supposed to tell them?  “Sorry, I don’t want to hang out with you”?  Somehow, I can’t see how that wouldn’t hurt their feelings.   Honesty is usually my priority but when if I can avoid hurting someones feelings I will by cutting corners of the information.  I think my fear is that I don’t want to lose them as a friend so I spare their feelings by not saying anything or weaving my way out of that conversation topic. 

Bitchy?  I’m starting to think so… But I prefer the idea of being a sufferer of PADHD– People Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.

Originally, this blog was to help me figure out how to work certain things in my life.  But I think I just need it for stress relief from the “bites” in my life.  Posts about other things are bound to show up too… the sweet stuff, if you wish.  Writing always seems to help me.  I expect to write here much more often than previous.  

Oh and I found MyLiveSignature to help me put my sign on here… See below. Isn’t it awesome? Scarily enough, it looks almost identical to my own handwriting. :)

REMEMBER ME!! 

(that is my reminder to myself to write here, especially since it’s all pimped out)

Now I can’t wait for the fall!  Should be a fun semester. Taking Italian and starting on a double major as well. Looks like fall 2009 will be a good one! 

Doing better in not picking.  While shopping yesterday, I told myself “no” a couple times while in the dressing rooms when I felt my body itching to get closer to the mirror so I could nit-pick at any imperfection.  I didn’t do it!  However, I caved a little at home and did a little more damage to my arms.  But at least I stopped myself for a good majority of the night.

Listening to Mamma Mia.  There is no better CD to help lift your spirits with the fun beats and actors who you never expected to sing.

The only thing about him that irks… his age.  He’s my brother’s age–18.  He may not be my brother’s friend (and I have gone down that road before… awkward!) but it makes me think, “Oh, God! He’s my brother’s age!” which makes it awkward for me.  He is a grade ahead of my brother, but still.  I’m 20… A relationship wouldn’t necessarily be illegal since he’s 18 but it still makes me feel as though I’m robbing the cradle, even if it is just a date. 

I accepted the date offer yesterday… We’re going out Saturday afternoon.  At this point, I’m not sure of my feelings about him.  Friends, definitely.  I don’t even want to think about a potential relationship since I suck at them in general.  Eh, we’ll see.

If she really missed my friendship, you would think she would try harder to keep our friendship alive.  I may think this because I watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” yesterday and one of the ideas throughout the entire show was that if a guy really likes you, he will make damn sure that he sees you and calls you whenever he can.  I can’t help but feel that friendship is the same way.  It’s usually me trying to hang out with her but she is always with someone else (boyfriend or someone I don’t really approve of).  Then the next time she texts me she says something like she did last night, about how she misses me and/or my friendship. 

It’s hard because we have been best friends for almost seven years.  It’s only in these past couple years where things have slipped apart.  I seem to only be her friend when it is convenient for her.  Except I absolutely love her to death.  When we are together we can talk about anything and we always have a blast.  But there is something I recently realized… It’s because of her that I ever became self-conscious.  

Before we became best friends when I was fifteen, I was one of those girls who seriously had no concept of body image.  I wore sweaters and jeans to school everyday for comfort and I certainly never dressed to look nice unless my mom made me.  Watching old videos a couple weeks ago, I noticed that I was a little stick back then.  I had no idea I was like that… the only physical attribute that I noticed was how tall I was compared to the rest of my class.  Fast forward to when I got my braces off and we are the best of friends.  

I don’t know if its because of her family or what, but she always made comments about how fat she was.  In fact, she was far from fat.  Being an extremely active dancer, she had a body any girl would literally kill for.  Because of these constant tear downs on herself, it made me very conscious about myself.  Ok, I have never been unhappy with my body, but I know it was because of her terrible comments about herself that I became self conscious.  Through the years, she still makes these degrading comments about herself and I hate it.  

Lately, I’ve been wondering if her friendship is worth keeping especially since it only seems like a friendship when it is convenient for her.  My mom has told me for the past two years that I should forget about her, but it really isn’t the easiest thing to do when we have been so close.  Ugh… I just don’t know what to do.

I have found that I absolutely love yoga and running. As a kid, running was something I would never do unless specifically required like for school.  Now, it is such a great release for me for stress.  Since I am still fairly new to running, I cannot run for extended periods of time, so I like to do interval walking/running.  According to research, I guess that’s a better way to do it anyways.  But now that I’m becoming more active, it makes me want to start dancing again.  The only problem is finding the time and a class to do it with that is fairly cheap.  I do miss dancing… I just don’t want to have to worry about all the technical stuff.  My purpose would be to have fun and move!  I’m thinking hip-hop or similar kind of dance would be best.  

Then with working out, school, and work, I like having ‘me’ time like making videos, watching movies, playing guitar and games with my brother.   So I haven’t really hung out with friends much lately.  In fact, I have cancelled on plans with friends about 3 times in the past couple weeks.  The reasons for those was homework mostly, but it still makes me feel guilty.  I usually try to be a good friend, but when certain life obligations get in the way, it is really hard.  Like school, I’m at the point where as long as I pass I’ll be fine, but in order to pass I have to do a certain amount of work that cuts into my free time.  Speaking of which, I need to read something for my Theory class… Luckily, the readings are not as long as they were in my History class last semester.  

-KZ

During a doctors appointment last fall, I discovered that I was at my prime weight is about 30 pounds less than I am.  I know what caused the balloon-age… I stopped dancing after my junior year of high school, which basically eliminated exercise from my life.  Unfortunately, with this came more eating of junk foods and huge proportions.  This actually came as a huge shock to me because I have never fully been upset with my body.  But I won’t deny there was a point (while I was dancing) that my body was in it’s peak form.  In an effort to eat healthier, I joined Weight Watchers at the beginning of this month.  I don’t like to look at it as losing weight, but getting control over what I eat and adapting a healthier lifestyle with exercise and portion control which I seriously lacked these past couple years.  And hey, if I happen to get back down to my “prime weight,” as my doctor so called it in the process, then so be it. 

As far as friends go, I have real trust issues.  I tend to be the friend that everyone spills their guts to because they can trust me.  Unfortunately, because of being burned to the point of depression by one too many people, I cannot really confide in anyone.  The closest thing I have to a best friend is someone who is only my friend when it’s convenient for her and I don’t like that.  My relationships need work, period.  I don’t know how I am supposed to fix this part of my life, because I struggle trusting people.  For example, when I am feeling just horrible and lonely, which doesn’t happen too often mind you, I end up calling at least 20 people in my phone for two hours just hoping someone is free.  I’m lucky if someone is willing to hang with me.  Basically, when I get to hang with them we end up talking about them the whole night.  Why is it in a relationship I’m always the one that asks the other about their life but it is hardly ever reciprocated? It’s exhausting!  I’m everybody’s shoulder, except I have no shoulder to myself.  If this sounds selfish, I’m not sorry.  In my opinion, everyone deserves to have a friend they can tell everything to in confidence and still have fun with them.  I just hate the feeling that I don’t have one.  Again, I don’t know how I am supposed to change this besides getting out there and making new friends to see if anyone clicks with me. 

Then my family is just in the shit hole.  One brother who can sometimes be annoying, but I love him to death.  He has a girlfriend that he has had for almost a year now, so it makes me feel like I’m never going to experience what they have with someone (they are so in love, I wouldn’t be surprised if they got married).  Then my sister… Good god!  Simply, she is a train wreck.  I won’t get into her problems because that’s no one else’s business, but I will say that she needs to get her life together more than I do.  A lot more.  Supposedly she is working on it, but I doubt it will last a couple months.  Technically speaking, she is supposed to be in jail right now.  Her dad used to give her anything at the drop of a tear, but now he is becoming much more firm with her, which I am so grateful for.  It sucks when you have to save up for everything you want only to have your sister get whatever she wants even when she’s considered the ‘bad child’ of the kids.  

I’m actually quite proud of my saving… I’ve saved over $5,000 in the past two years.  If I continue to save even more these next few months, I may have the money to study abroad to Europe this coming summer.  That means more work… more work equals more stress on my time constraints.  Ugh… luckily my boss says school comes first.  But still I need the money so I need to put in the hours. 

Stress, stress, stress… I swear everything in my life is a trigger to my stress button.  I started taking a yoga class with my university so that has helped monumentally these last couple weeks.  But there are still days when I have to constantly rub my right eye because it won’t stop twitching!  I know it’s from stress. Some of my stress from last semester (which I barely scraped through) no doubt is still clinging to me like a crab.  Yoga is a helper, definitely, but I know I need something more. 

Along with school, I’m going to focus more on doing my school work.  This semester my goal is to more work outside of class.  Last semester, I tried to fit all my schoolwork into my boring classes which then put stress on me to study outside of class for those classes.  It’s a nasty cycle.  So far in the spring semester, I’m doing really well.  

Ok… that turned out to be a lot longer than I intended it to be. As you can probably see, I don’t need to fix up my life… but it is something I want to do for me.  To make me a better and healthier person and friend.  Truth be told, it’s bed time and I haven’t done my reading for tomorrow… but I needed to vent badly.  My eye has been twitching a lot lately so hopefully this post will help.  

-KZ